You'll notice a gap in posts... I just couldn't bring myself to post the past few days. Yesterday was spent entirely in a pile of feather pillows & blankets on the folded out futon in the living room in an effort to be gentle with myself. Bursts of tears kept creeping up on me and I would find myself in a mess of a state, crumpled up & mumbling unintelligibles. Why? I have no idea. At one point, Ben was hugging me and asking what was the matter and the tears turned on and I blurted rather pathetically that I could not find the tv remote. Then we both laughed at the silliness of the situation.
Okay, truthfully, I have some idea. There is a whole lot on our plate & I've been feeling like I am not engaging Sebastian enough. It's rainy & we have stopped exploring outside. I know that going to a playgroup would be good for both of us, but I just have not been able to muster up the energy/courage/effort to make it happen. When I do go out, I am constantly worried that Baz is too much for people to take (and he is extra excited to be out since we have been cooped up lately). I feel sad, unsupported, judged *and* I know that mostly those are just my feelings that are most likely based in worry and fear and irrationality. Feelings are strong, though. And so I am in melt down and rebuild mode. It's all temporary, of course. I'll be picking myself up and dusting myself off. Soon we will be out dancing in the rain again, jumping in puddles, making friends; etc. My cousin is coming in a few weeks to spend some time with us through Thanksgiving. REALLY looking forward to that.
This morning I came across this. Thankfully, gratefully, the happy tears began to emerge. Finally! Someone is talking about how hard it is, this journey and initiation into motherhood. It will seem silly to some, surely, but I am still wrestling so much with my untreated postpartum experience. Yes. My son is almost 4. Daily struggles that are simple for many are world stopping for me. An impending drive to the store is sometimes too much. I've been meditating, singing kirtan, dreaming myself into healing and I am just exhausted knowing that there is so much work still to do to get to "okay". And maybe things are okay. Maybe this is my new life. Maybe I am just too hard on myself. Even the maybes get me down. I've been living in my head too much and stuffing my emotions; covering up my heart stuff under the rationale that perhaps if I am meditating and not crying it out I will be or at least seem somehow "normal". What the hell is normal? Why do I care what normal is?
This is a whole lot to dump at once, but I need to get it out... so thank you. Thank you for reading this and being witness to my "normal".
Ben brought home flowers this week. Spontaneously. Such a simple gesture that has worked great wonders for my soul.
I'm grateful for my life; for being mama. I'm grateful for my triumphs and struggles, even when it seems that the latter is dominating. I give gratitude for cocooning time. I'm thankful for the bootie dances of Baz that pull me out of my darkness and make me laugh uncontrollably. And I am thankful for the simple, quiet support that my husband generously gives.