30 days of Gratitude: Day 20!

What do you get when you have a giant mound of boxes, one very large truck & a box of donuts? MOVING DAY!!! 

Yep, it's that time already. All of our painting and packing has paid off and there is light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Whew! Tomorrow is promising to be a long, full day... and the reward at the end of it is that we will be sleeping in our own home (punctuated by a bath with Baz in the whirlpool bathtub!). It's all a blur of excitement, exhaustion & gratitude. 

SO incredibly, overwhelmingly grateful that everything has come together so smoothly and that all of our hard work has paid off.


*We will be offline until Tuesday as we get settled & wait for internet installation. This very spread out 30 days of gratitude will continue next week! 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 19!

Happy New Moon! That means that I should be on a 3 day raw cleanse, right? Too much on my plate & feeling the need for the grounding that comes with heavier foods. Also, very hard to do a cleanse with very limited kitchen access. Going to get settled into the new place and bump my cleanse by a few days or so. Still planning to do it, just need to get settled first. I'm going to need it after a week of fast/convenient food.


Grateful for the ability to check in with myself and listen to the needs of this moment & to let go. Proud of the ability to be gentle with myself. It has taken much practice to get to this space of allowing. Grateful for the many opportunities for practice that lie ahead. 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 18!

Exhausted doesn't even begin to describe my energy level. We've been packing, moving, unpacking, cleaning, painting & doing all manner of other moving related jobs on top of the everyday chores. You know what? It feels good. Having something to focus on distracts from getting stuck in headspace. I've really needed to be pulled back from the internal, to 'lighten up', to find that all around glow.

Grateful: for a peaceful mind, a full heart, new dreams, wishes realized, an able body, hard work to do & to look forward to + a rekindled heart flame.  

30 days of Gratitude: Day 17!

Filled to the brim with gratitude & blessings for another amazing firewalk! I carpooled with friends up to the Portland area & enjoyed a day off from 'being mom'. We gathered, sang, drummed, built up energy, released, transformed & celebrated. Each person touched & gave energy to every log that made up the fire. We gave offerings of abundance to the fire. 

We all started the fire with individual matchsticks. 

We watched her begin to blaze. 

And blaze... 

And when she was raked out... we walked over her burning coals. Yep, that is me below... believe it! 

The experience of walking is always so different & dependent upon what is being given up, transformed or what energy is being received. This was my 4th firewalk... First in something like 6 years. My 22nd trip across the coals & perhaps my most powerful. 

I give gratitude for fire & her amazing energy, for her willingness to take & transform & for the beauty & community that happens around a ritual of this magnitude. Thanks & blessings for taking my fears & turning them into courage, confidence, love & vibrant joy. 

30 days of Gratitude - Day 16: The Next Chapter...

The biggest news in some time + numerous reasons to be grateful! We signed a fat stack of papers a few days ago... 

And magically entered into the new & curious territory of home ownership! Can I scream it loud enough? WE BOUGHT A HOUSE! WE BOUGHT A HOUSE! Literally, I'm jumping up and down.  

It looks like it ought to be an easier move this time around (I can't express enough my gratitude for not having to move again in the foreseeable future... so done with moving!). Our new home is  just 7 miles from where we are now! Loving this community. Loving putting down our roots.

So, you take a drive into the country, toward the sea & hang a left at the sweetest little church.

You cross a stream and enter into the forest. 

A little over a half mile through the forest & up the hill you'll find us: 

We arrived this morning with goodies and enjoyed a celebratory first breakfast in our new living room.

...and then we went out exploring. Baz immediately made friends with "a funny little fuzzy critter". Caterpiggle! 

We walked through the forest & checked out every inch of our land (.96 acre!). 

We conspired to get the hot tub scrubbed out & ready for action in the next few days. Can't.even.wait!

We said hello to some of our trees... 

Ben looked happier than he has in a very long time. SO happy. 

We took goofy pix in our master bathroom. 

...and generally laid claim to our space. Perfection. 

It's a fixer upper with a whole lot of quirkiness & we are excited for the challenge. We never ever thought that buying a house could go so smoothly. We made an offer just about a month ago and it was accepted immediately. I didn't know until we were driving around the neighborhood scoping the place out, but the house is about 3 blocks from a house I had my eye on way back when we lived in Davis. Somehow, I guess I just knew where we were meant to be. So here we are. We're beginning the next chapter. Turning a new leaf. Savoring the newness & the beauty of Autumn and working hard to make this move as smooth as possible. We have 20 days to move and my fantastic cousin is coming from California to help out, so it is all looking incredibly doable.

Simply overflowing with gratitude. 

30 days of gratitude: Day 15!

Practicing 'being here now', and it's no easy feat when so many exciting changes are just out of reach. Tomorrow: a very special breakfast with the family. Saturday: fire walking for the first time in 6?, 7? years. In the next week or so: finishing up Baz's halloween costume & a trip to the pumpkin patch. SO much fun to be had. It really is hard to stay present... but I'm working on it. 

I'm thankful for movement, change, excitement & the onset of the holidays. 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 14!

Well, thank goodness I'm making up my own rules about this 30 days thing. I never did specify whether or not these gratitude days would be consecutive. There is a big old heapin' pile o' schtuff on my plate currently & I am just being gentle with myself. It's not that I have nothing to be grateful for... quite the contrary, in fact.

In the spirit of keeping this thing rolling at a time when I am not quite ready to share some of what is on my plate, I've compiled a list of fab internet links themed around what I've been discovering & working through lately.

Hey you: SPARKLE!

When we shine, we bring light to the darkness.

When we pull ourselves out of drama, our own or collective, we cannot ignore the beauty in the world (Thanks to Jen for introducing me to this song!).

It's okay to be angry. Honor your experience.

Claim & own your power.

BE BRAVE & remember that you are not alone.

It begins with y o u & me.

I'm so grateful for insights and upliftment, purity & truth & you.  

30 days of Gratitude: day 13!

Autumn rushed in with its fair share of rain & I realized that if I didn't motivate and get those little tomato beauties off of the bush they would all pop & sacrifice themselves back to the earth to be reborn next year. Hence the glorious harvest below: 

Our sunroom has temporarily been transformed into greenhouse/ripening room. The sunflowers have been hung to dry. The beautiful cat faced orb weaver spider that lived all summer long in the largest flower was gently rehoused. The tomato cages have been stacked away in the shed until Spring. More work ahead. Plants will be yanked up tomorrow and fallen tomatoes will be worked into the ground. Zucchini & cucumber plants are done working their magic and will be evicted from the garden, as well. Cherry tomatoes will be made into a cold salad with the end of season cucumbers... and those green guys? They'll be sauce once they gain their color. Perhaps this will be the year that I finally dare to try friend green tomatoes. Oh, yes! I'm thinking fried green tomato party! We eat them while we watch the movie?

Baz is completely enamored with the sheer bounty that we manifested. He talked his stuffed monkey through the harvesting process and cautioned him to be gentle with and try his hardest not to disturb the tomatoes while they "get ready to eat". He exclaimed at one point, "Oh, mama. They are SO beautiful! I love them so much!" He even picked a favorite ("It's so lovely & fat!"):

Grateful hardly begins to cover this one. A blessed harvest, touching & being touched by nature, gifting my little guy with a childhood filled with gardening & finding my center through the process... again & again & again. 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 12!

La Luna. 

She educes a howl from source.

 Outside, under her spell, my body ingests her luminous glow. 

Quenched. 

Satiated. 

Restored.

I'm so thankful for Mama Nature's reminders. Seeing the night sky filled with light challenges me to find that light within myself... especially when it seems almost impossible to locate. Dreams are clearer; stronger. Intuition is high. The thinning of the veil is imminent. Do you feel it, too? 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 11!

Goddess night. Every other Tuesday. A little slice of heaven. 

We chat, we conspire for good, we snack, we share, we open, we are healed. 

I am heart-swellingly grateful for the Goddesses. You ladies inspire me & nudge me outside of that comfort zone that I have a hard time getting out of on my own. Sisterhood is so divine. Bless your hearts. Looking so forward to growing our little group into an abundant community of wild women, and reveling in the sweetness that is 'just us' in this moment. 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 10!

You'll notice a gap in posts... I just couldn't bring myself to post the past few days. Yesterday was spent entirely in a pile of feather pillows & blankets on the folded out futon in the living room in an effort to be gentle with myself. Bursts of tears kept creeping up on me and I would find myself in a mess of a state, crumpled up & mumbling unintelligibles. Why? I have no idea. At one point, Ben was hugging me and asking what was the matter and the tears turned on and I blurted rather pathetically that I could not find the tv remote. Then we both laughed at the silliness of the situation. 

Okay, truthfully, I have some idea. There is a whole lot on our plate & I've been feeling like I am not engaging Sebastian enough. It's rainy & we have stopped exploring outside. I know that going to a playgroup would be good for both of us, but I just have not been able to muster up the energy/courage/effort to make it happen. When I do go out, I am constantly worried that Baz is too much for people to take (and he is extra excited to be out since we have been cooped up lately). I feel sad, unsupported, judged *and* I know that mostly those are just my feelings that are most likely based in worry and fear and irrationality. Feelings are strong, though. And so I am in melt down and rebuild mode. It's all temporary, of course. I'll be picking myself up and dusting myself off. Soon we will be out dancing in the rain again, jumping in puddles, making friends; etc. My cousin is coming in a few weeks to spend some time with us through Thanksgiving. REALLY looking forward to that. 

This morning I came across this. Thankfully, gratefully, the happy tears began to emerge. Finally! Someone is talking about how hard it is, this journey and initiation into motherhood. It will seem silly to some, surely, but I am still wrestling so much with my untreated postpartum experience. Yes. My son is almost 4. Daily struggles that are simple for many are world stopping for me. An impending drive to the store is sometimes too much. I've been meditating, singing kirtan, dreaming myself into healing and I am just exhausted knowing that there is so much work still to do to get to "okay". And maybe things are okay. Maybe this is my new life. Maybe I am just too hard on myself. Even the maybes get me down. I've been living in my head too much and stuffing my emotions; covering up my heart stuff under the rationale that perhaps if I am meditating and not crying it out I will be or at least seem somehow "normal". What the hell is normal? Why do I care what normal is? 

This is a whole lot to dump at once, but I need to get it out... so thank you. Thank you for reading this and being witness to my "normal".  

Ben brought home flowers this week. Spontaneously. Such a simple gesture that has worked great wonders for my soul. 

I'm grateful for my life; for being mama. I'm grateful for my triumphs and struggles, even when it seems that the latter is dominating. I give gratitude for cocooning time. I'm thankful for the bootie dances of Baz that pull me out of my darkness and make me laugh uncontrollably. And I am thankful for the simple, quiet support that my husband generously gives. 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 9!

Picked up our CSA at the farm, visited the farm stand for fresh potato donuts, scored some fall threads at the local thrift store, consumed one very delicious tiny pumpkin latte, ate that veggie burrito that I've been craving & attended our good friend Corie's high school volleyball game. A very, very good day. Here are the girls in action: 

They switched things up a bit and wore pink instead of their school colors (orange/black/white) & collected donations for breast cancer research. Awesome.

Ended the day catching up a bit with my sweet friends, took a dip in their hot tub (Thank you!!) and enjoyed a glass of wine before bed. Talk about refreshing sleep. :)

30 days of Gratitude: Day 8!

Another perk of Autumn? Fire in the hearth! 

Tremendously thankful for this place which we gravitate to each eve to connect with one another (and, of course, to warm ourselves). 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 7!

I awoke to a rainbow on the altar this morning! 

Taking this as a reminder to explore the relationship between stillness & beauty. 

This is the 3rd day of global sadhana, a 40 day meditation leading up to the shift into the age of Aquarius on 11/11/11. It's my first serious venture into any kind of meditation practice, and I find it interesting what has been coming up for me. I have learned that it is not a good idea (for me) to meditate just before bed as I doze off and trance out. Morning practice is nice, but I really enjoy waking up to 45 minutes of kirtan. Putting the meditation & kirtan together brings the practice to an hour... and that is much too much alone time in one sitting to ask for when one has a spirited 3 year old just itching to be a part of everything. 15 minutes alone, I can do. So, thinking of including Baz in the morning kirtan practice. He knows many of the chants already and just loves to sing. It's a sweet way to begin the day and such precious bonding time. 

I am filled with gratitude for this abundant life that affords me the ability to arise daily with presence & to model a healthy daily rhythm for my child. 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 6!

A walk in the rain & playtime in puddles. SO fun. 

Incredibly grateful for walks with my boy and reminders to play & have fun in the simplest of activities. 

30 days of Gratitude: Day 5!

One of my many current meditations: 

"I hold the power to shape my child's health destiny."  

I'm taking it seriously... & thank the funny lords that I am not met with resistance. In fact, the kidlet makes pretty amazing requests for snacks & meals. For example: 

"Mama, may I have some crackers with cheese? Maybe some avocado and tomatoes? Pleeeeease?" Who could say no to that?! And for the record: total fan of both goat cheese and green tomatoes. He's nutritionally way ahead of where I was at around that age. I didn't willingly eat a tomato until I was 20 years old. He's teaching me about healthy choices just as much as I am teaching him. Honestly, he is surely teaching me more.

I raise up BIG thanks and gratitude for my healthy child & the choices that we make to ensure that his little body is growing & thriving.  

30 days of Gratitude: Day 4!

First heavy rain of the season (& first fire in the hearth!), rainy day cuddles with my little guy, breaking raw cleanse with popcorn (totally worth it!), confirmation that I am down 11 lbs (!!!), play time with my fat cat...

& a midnight request granted:

 "BenBen, a riverdance before bed?" 

Promptly followed by a charlie horse. Bwahaha. 

...and then more dancing, another charlie horse, more dancing, *another* charlie horse...
You get the idea.

I cherish the spontaneous spirit of my ridiculously hilarious husband. I could make a list of all the ways he makes my heart go pitter pat, and you can bet that making me laugh would be right up on top.

So grateful for my sweetheart.