I don't even know where to start. This is the long-time-a'comin' post that I have been putting off, I think. Don't you just hate that? So much to say and no obvious starting point? It's enough to make my head feel stuffy.
May & June have been so full. General busy-ness, vacationing, visitors, Sacred Doula Training: I'm *still* processing it all. A whole lot of anxiousness and uncertainty came as a result of so much movement in such a short period of time. Did anyone else feel the major energy shift that came with Summer Solstice? The build up of energy to it? The eclipses? It was such a build up for me... and then a massive release as we shifted into Summer mode. I'm telling you, that release couldn't have come at a better time. Finally, I'm grounding, finding my bearings & really sitting with who I am at this moment, who I have been and gearing up for easing into who I am becoming. Yes... It's time to blossom. In less than a week I will be 35 years young. Seems natural to blossom around a birthday, yes?
At the Doula Training, I was blessed to be in the company of some of the most incredible women I have ever known. I let go of inhibitions and really trusted myself to be myself fully without fear of rejection or judgment. It really was a little slice of heaven. I took the opportunity to tune into the essence of each woman and find the gift that she offers to the world. So many beautiful gifts...
I am so touched by the strength & knowledge that each woman encompasses. I witnessed the power that is tapped through full participation. There was a heightened sense of freedom in the safety of our authenticity. We gave voice to our truths. We respected the words and tears of one another. We included one another. We encouraged. We offered our arms up for comfort. We laughed our fool heads off. I was greatly touched by a few who so fully embraced silence and offered up deep listening that I have found myself longing to cultivate those traits within myself. I call it practicing presence. Oi. It truly is a constant practice for me. And that is the beauty of it, really. There is no end goal. Practice never ceases.
Recently, my world was rocked a little. No, a lot. Truly shaken. I was in a space where I felt incredibly unsafe at my core. I forgot to practice presence. I actually checked out. I just could not bring myself to be present in the midst of anger and heaviness and energetic violence. A little piece of me regrets not standing up and fighting through it. A bigger piece of me has no inclination to fight. Within my sphere of close relations, I suppose I am coming to realize that I expect to be accepted as I am, challenged in a positive way & respected. Not to say that relationships are always easy or ever perfect. I honor depth and that usually is not achieved through a sunshine-and-roses existence. But this is my truth. I choose not to be offended. I happen to feel strongly that when a person says "I am offended!" about anything, they stop being in the present and sit with their offense. Listening goes out the window while we coddle our wounds. Like I said, it's a practice... and I'm only just beginning mine. After this intense experience in which I did not practice presence, I keep asking myself why I did not tap into the gifts of my doula sisters. Why did I withdraw and cease participation? I have no answer aside from that being how I have always responded to very difficult situations. I crawl up into my shell and wait for the storm to pass. Then again, it very well may have been the right thing to do. I just do not know... I do know, however, that I will keep listening to my intuition, keep cultivating love within my heart, mind & soul and keep doing my best to live in truth and face the hard stuff as it arises.
We really are all doing our best at any given moment.
