I'm back from Sacred Doula Training and easing into my home routine. We're enjoying fantastic weather, daily walks, 'playing baseball' out back, and keeping things low key and gentle. Doula Training was so intense and I think that I will be processing for some time to come. There just aren't words for that experience, so please excuse me for not writing about it quite yet.
Being away from Baz for a week kicked my emotional ass much harder than I expected. I was fine at the workshop, but toward the end of the week I found myself stealing moments to look through his pictures on my iphone. I called just a couple of days after leaving home and was so sad when Baz didn't want to talk to me on the phone. It was bittersweet: On the one hand I was so relieved that he was not too upset about me being away and on the other I was crushed that he didn't seem to care whether or not I was around. I waited a few more days to call again and he talked to me briefly and said that he loved me and missed me. Ben and Terry (his step dad) reported back that all was well and that Baz was having a blast. When I arrived home, Baz acted like I had just come back from the grocery store. It was no big deal for him. That was so odd to me. Terry said that there was one night midweek that Baz woke up crying inconsolably and unable to articulate why.
And then? We went through our nightly bedtime routine and I snuggled him a little closer than usual. We read a book and I sang his favorite song (Hush, Little Baby).
Baz says, "Mama, I really need to go to sleep now. I am tired and I don't want to miss my show."
"What? What show? What do you mean?"
"You know, Mama. The one that comes on when you close your eyes and sleep and it is usually different every night."
"OH! That is called a dream!"
"No, Mom. It's called 'my show'. I usually like them, but I really didn't like the one I had that was about my family not being all together. Dad was with me, but not Mama... and it made me cry a lot."
Suffice it to say, we're pretty sure that he had that dream on the night that he woke up crying. So sweet. I'm so proud of my big kid for being brave and flexible. However did I get so lucky?