Shadow, light, crimson & aqua.

I'm just marinating in beauty these days. 

 Exploring the woods around our new home has lit this tiny spark in my belly and it's burning bright.

I find myself walking daily, falling into a rhythm, taking care of business... you know, basically living naturally what I have been working toward for so long. Seems that a little movement, both physical & emotional, goes a long way.

The biggest, most striking revelation has been that I don't have to gather the courage to confront shadow. It just has to be done. No prep work necessary... and that in doing so, actually staring into that expansive abyss, the light seeps through and the path is made clear. It is just so juicy, I can hardly stand it.

Here's to newness, crisp air, long walks, doing the work... & peace.

Unapologetic.

Maybe that should have been *20* days of gratitude and beyond? No matter. Truthfully, I have been shying away from this space because 1) way too much has been happening in a short period of time and I have no words to express my gratitude 2) every day is a grateful day, so how could I stop at 30 days? 3)as grateful as I am, some majorly deep, dark stuff has been surfacing and I am in the throes of working through it all. MAJOR stuff. Really. I feel like I have been shaken a bit more awake than usual and that I have to focus all of my intention on integrating what has bubbled up while simultaneously delving into that which is just below the surface. Pixie Campbell's SouLodge has been the catalyst for so much of this soul movement. I'm throwing out some major manifestation mojo to see how I can come up with the cash to sign up for all SouLodges in the year 2012. If it's meant to be, it will be. I'm unfolding into the flow and letting it all be as it is. Trust. It's so much more than I have ever allowed myself to believe in...

And so... Truly, there are not enough words. I'm cocooning. I'm reveling in the cave time. I'm prepping for winter and I am just not in a place to share. Feeling intense, magical, charged, quiet, vulnerable, naughty, excited... and unapologetic. And, I've got to say: It's about damn time.

30 days of Gratitude: Day 17!

Filled to the brim with gratitude & blessings for another amazing firewalk! I carpooled with friends up to the Portland area & enjoyed a day off from 'being mom'. We gathered, sang, drummed, built up energy, released, transformed & celebrated. Each person touched & gave energy to every log that made up the fire. We gave offerings of abundance to the fire. 

We all started the fire with individual matchsticks. 

We watched her begin to blaze. 

And blaze... 

And when she was raked out... we walked over her burning coals. Yep, that is me below... believe it! 

The experience of walking is always so different & dependent upon what is being given up, transformed or what energy is being received. This was my 4th firewalk... First in something like 6 years. My 22nd trip across the coals & perhaps my most powerful. 

I give gratitude for fire & her amazing energy, for her willingness to take & transform & for the beauty & community that happens around a ritual of this magnitude. Thanks & blessings for taking my fears & turning them into courage, confidence, love & vibrant joy. 

::Just enjoy the show::

A little glimpse into my head space as of late:

I've been working through some major shtuff and I'm just beginning to feel the inner sunshine. It's sort of this "Woah. I forgot that was a resource and a possibility... and not only that... my true nature! Man, I sure have missed you, light!" kind of feeling. It's been dark and dreary in my little pit, but I am thankful for the timing. I really needed something to wake me up and kick me into making some major changes and, most importantly, to get me to release, LIGHTEN UP & make room for the positive to roll on in. This life stuff is frickin' hard. But I wouldn't change a thing. I'm really working on letting myself 'just enjoy the show.'

::processing & blossoming::

I don't even know where to start. This is the long-time-a'comin' post that I have been putting off, I think. Don't you just hate that? So much to say and no obvious starting point? It's enough to make my head feel stuffy.

May & June have been so full. General busy-ness, vacationing, visitors, Sacred Doula Training: I'm *still* processing it all. A whole lot of anxiousness and uncertainty came as a result of so much movement in such a short period of time. Did anyone else feel the major energy shift that came with Summer Solstice? The build up of energy to it? The eclipses? It was such a build up for me... and then a massive release as we shifted into Summer mode. I'm telling you, that release couldn't have come at a better time. Finally, I'm grounding, finding my bearings & really sitting with who I am at this moment, who I have been and gearing up for easing into who I am becoming. Yes... It's time to blossom. In less than a week I will be 35 years young. Seems natural to blossom around a birthday, yes? 

At the Doula Training, I was blessed to be in the company of some of the most incredible women I have ever known. I let go of inhibitions and really trusted myself to be myself fully without fear of rejection or judgment. It really was a little slice of heaven. I took the opportunity to tune into the essence of each woman and find the gift that she offers to the world. So many beautiful gifts... 

I am so touched by the strength & knowledge that each woman encompasses. I witnessed the power that is tapped through full participation. There was a heightened sense of freedom in the safety of our authenticity. We gave voice to our truths. We respected the words and tears of one another. We included one another. We encouraged. We offered our arms up for comfort. We laughed our fool heads off. I was greatly touched by a few who so fully embraced silence and offered up deep listening that I have found myself longing to cultivate those traits within myself. I call it practicing presence. Oi. It truly is a constant practice for me. And that is the beauty of it, really. There is no end goal. Practice never ceases. 

Recently, my world was rocked a little. No, a lot. Truly shaken. I was in a space where I felt incredibly unsafe at my core. I forgot to practice presence. I actually checked out. I just could not bring myself to be present in the midst of anger and heaviness and energetic violence. A little piece of me regrets not standing up and fighting through it. A bigger piece of me has no inclination to fight. Within my sphere of close relations, I suppose I am coming to realize that I expect to be accepted as I am, challenged in a positive way & respected. Not to say that relationships are always easy or ever perfect. I honor depth and that usually is not achieved through a sunshine-and-roses existence. But this is my truth. I choose not to be offended. I happen to feel strongly that when a person says "I am offended!" about anything, they stop being in the present and sit with their offense. Listening goes out the window while we coddle our wounds.  Like I said, it's a practice... and I'm only just beginning mine. After this intense experience in which I did not practice presence, I keep asking myself why I did not tap into the gifts of my doula sisters. Why did I withdraw and cease participation? I have no answer aside from that being how I have always responded to very difficult situations. I crawl up into my shell and wait for the storm to pass. Then again, it very well may have been the right thing to do. I just do not know... I do know, however, that I will keep listening to my intuition, keep cultivating love within my heart, mind & soul and keep doing my best to live in truth and face the hard stuff as it arises. 

We really are all doing our best at any given moment. 

Thanky McThankfulpants.

Hmmm... My thoughts are swimming in a number of directions. I came to this space with some thoroughly explored thoughts to share and now it seems my brain is in a tangle. So this is a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-thoughts post. Bear with me.

Much of my thought space has been taken up with a little self-flogging at neglecting this blog. Truth is, I didn't know I needed a long break... but apparently I did. On the other hand, I really love sharing here and have missed it wildly. So much has changed in just a few months and I think I needed to be present for those changes. We moved from Salt Lake City, UT to the Oregon coast. We have had visitors from Northern and Southern California. I turned 34! Ben is now employed (and loving it! He is working in the kitchen at Gracie's Sea Hag doing food prep/cooking... and anyone who knows him is aware that the guy thrives in the kitchen.)! Sebastian and I are settling into a daily rhythm. Napping is falling by the wayside and that sure puts the pressure on to keep the little guy active. Murphy the dog still proves to be a huge challenge, but daily walking in the evening and beach runs a few times weekly have settled him some. I have been fortunate enough to get away a bit for some mama time more than once. This is what I have longed for. It's what I needed, but never would have asked for on my own. A couple of trips to the spa and some time with a very good friend have afforded me the break I needed to let my breath out... to remember to breathe. Yep, I have definitely been holding my breath for far too long.

Some relationships have been redefined (or lost definition?), some communication has been on hold, and I have taken a very long look at myself. I'm recreating some of the ways in which I open myself up. I am trying to be present and not hold back for fear of being hurt, but I know that at some level, in some situations, it will be extra hard to just be myself. Sometimes it just doesn't feel safe. I am long tired of judgment; from others and self. I do know, however, what I am willing to give and willing to take. I do know my own worth. I know my truth. I am certain that it is unhealthy for me to dwell any longer on that which no longer fits. I am simply finished renting headspace out to fools. Relationships take some work, of course. But if we are living authentically, being real with one another, I can't believe that it should take too much work. What happened to the fun and lightheartedness and the joy of being together?

Don't get me wrong: my little family is thriving. Things are perfect for this moment. Some things could improve, as surely is the case at any point, but things are looking up. New friendships, both expected and un, have sprouted up. Old friendships have been rekindled. I am coming from a grounded, centered, spiritually tuned place that I was not in even a month ago. Still finding my way... but oh so stoked to be where I'm at. Couldn't be happier to be a mama to Sebastian. He is the most magical, present, energetic teacher I have ever had. He reminds me to get back up and shake things off when I fall. To try again. He reminds me to tap into the spirit of the sweet child I once was. So here I am, again: being thankful.

Wasn't exactly sure where I was going with this post, but knew I had to put some fingers to the keyboard and see what would come of it. I won't end with promises to post pix or blog regularly, though that is certainly my intention. I will just end with being thankful. Thankfulness is the perfect outcome.

Settling in.

Soooo...

the journey continues. We decided to move to Oregon!!! I visited California for a week and then made it back to Salt Lake City soon after the last post and did much in the way of packing our stuff and selling some off. Sadly, we are renting and were unable to bring the chickens with us, but will revisit that project when we manifest OUR HOUSE (I know! I am so excited to see that happen!!!) in the near future! The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotions, lack of personal space + movement and I needed to save all of the energy I had... but:

We made it to Newport on May 2nd after a fairly uneventful move (which was only possible with the help of my rad dad who flew to SLC and then drove the moving truck for us and flew back to California!). We are unpacking in between the usual. You know?: eating, sleeping, taking walks on the beach... I decided to take my time pulling out the camera in an effort to really just be here now. We are finally beginning to feel settled. Found a much needed playground just a few blocks away today, so the routine that Sebastian loves can and will continue. Starting to feel the urge to dig out that camera and share a bit of visual love with you all. I'm thinking I need another week to complete most of the box emptying and then the photos will flow. Can't wait!

Adventures in green & blue.

My fam spontaneously hopped in the car over a week ago and drove to Oregon in hopes of finding a place to relocate to. We didn't tell anyone we were going... heck, we didn't know we were going until the night before. It is just time. Time to be where we want to be. Time to be where our souls surge with joy simply because the air is pure. Time to move forward and live a new adventure; to journey into the present with our dreams intact. And so we were welcomed sweetly into the home of long time friends who are more like family. It has been magic. I am so humbled at being accepted into their space and given shelter and a safe space from which to manifest our new place of residence. So so so completely grateful.

Ben jumped back in the car a few days ago to get home to packing and Sebastian and I stayed behind to continue our apartment/house search. We have found the perfect rental just 2 blocks from the ocean... keep your fingers crossed for us. We should know if it's ours in the next couple of days! How will we get home? Perfectly enough, my sweet friends have a family engagement in the Sacramento area at the end of this week. We're hitching a ride with them and then spending some time with friends and family in Davis/Sacramento for about a week before hopping on a train back to Salt Lake. After that will be a feat of furious packing. We are moving to Oregon in early to mid May!!! And so, a tiny view of what is in store for us... Blue skies, blue waves, sand, sun, greeeeeeen & a healthy dose of RAIN!

McBride family forest @ Daisy Hill:

A bit of calm achieved... Trusting what is to come.

Tiny sandy footprints and a very fast boy:

Mama Ocean...

Very BIG smiles.

Collecting energy.

I know, right? What happened to the 30 days of beauty? Trouble with the laptop, too many photos in the camera that need to be loaded onto the laptop, waiting for a cable to arrive to make it all a reality, received wrong cable... still waiting for the right one to arrive. Blah.

I guess you could say that all of this trouble came at just the right moment as I have been feeling a major push to clam up and go within a bit more. There are so many possibilities for our future right now and my little family is just fraying at the weight of it all. Sounds all ominous and stuff, but it really isn't. We don't know much right now, but we do know that we will probably be moving in the next few months. We have an idea of where we would like to land, but we don't have the specifics all ironed out yet. We are left weighing a whole lot of pros and cons; mainly in relation to acquiring land with a livable (but probably needing loads of work) house vs. almost no land and a decent house (considering the price range we are working with). Ben's dream is land. I am cool with some land and possibly forest, but I tend to lean toward the nice-house-on-half-an-acre-or-more-at-the-edge-of-a-small-town side of life. Like I said: lots of pros and cons floating around right now...

So, if I am silent as of late you know why. I'm saving my energies for big decisions and manifestation of big dreams. My current mantras: Patience. Trust. All is as it should be. NOW is the time to make our dreams a reality.

What feeds your soul?

This is the question that I find myself musing on regularly these days. I love where I am, I love what I am doing yet I am realizing that there is so much unexpressed/unfulfilled creativity brewing deep within. Where do I want to be? What do I want to do that I have yet to make a reality? Where is this all going? What FEEDS my soul?

I spent the last week visiting with family in my home (Dad, Stepmom & Brother!) and enjoyed so much of our time together. I also became aware of a part of me that seems to revert to the thirteen year old girl aspect of myself whenever I spend time with family. I get all insecure and worried about what it will take to make everyone happy. I am edgy and easily annoyed, and therefore annoying. I'm not the ME that I usually am. It is simultaneously perplexing and exhilarating to take this kind of really hard look at myself. I feel misrepresented... though I don't blame myself for being anything other than what I am in the present. Okay, well, I do kick myself a little when I think I have caused pain in another... but overall I accept it for what it is and know that everything is as it should be in any moment. In other words: I am loved as I am and love all others as they are and trust that we are all doing our best. So... What feeds my soul?

-self investigation.

-being surrounded by loving people.

-sharing with others (though I have much to work on when it comes to not holding back).

-being gleefully alive!

-letting a little more of my bright self shine through each day.

-finding magic in the mundane.

-spending the bulk of my time with the most inspiring, amazing child.

-envisioning an art space where I will make a ritual of making fantastical creations.

-seeing myself surrounded by the community I have always desired.

-major abundance manifestation in action.

-knowing my truth and accepting myself.

-so.much.trust.

In the middle of all of that I do find myself yelling at the dog, putting the kid in time out, crying a little because I feel like a meanie, spending more time that I'd like trying to tune out for a few minutes at a time and generally being human. Damn, this existence is complicated... and incredibly miraculous. I love every moment... and I don't say it enough: I have more love in my heart than I know what to do with. It is so frustrating to not just let it flow. I'm ready. I hope you are, too. It's flowing strong and it is flowing to you.

What feeds *your* soul?

30 days of happiness: Heather Feather & Tanith!!!

My friend Heather is here!!! She brought her daughter, too!!! Okay, I am excited. I've been worried about having to drive to the airport by myself for months. Funny thing... Today was the day and I didn't even think about it; just got in the car and made it happen. I'm thinking that the driving anxiety that resulted from postpartum fallout is on its way out. Hooray! Anyway, they are here. We are relaxing and enjoying. There are possible trips to the zoo, up the canyon, Oktoberfest, and more planned. We are keeping our options open, though. We get them for 4 whole days, so the possibilities are multiple. Heather is my good friend from way back when... This is the first time we have been able to spend with each other in 15 years. It is so sweet to have this time together and to watch our little ones playing with one another. We're floating on clouds over here. Expect pix of our shenanigans in the next few days.

30 days of happiness: When women gather...

Magic happens. I know, I know... I posted here today already, but when happiness comes in droves how can it be ignored? I finally worked up the courage to get myself to the Women's Full Moon Dance tonight. It was *so* time. We came together with a greeting from each lady, we danced our hearts out and our bodies new, we sweated, we howled, we laughed, we spoke about what came up for us & we shared food. This is the kind of community I have been looking for: wild, lovely, real, truth-living, women who aren't afraid of their Goddess selves. Through this meeting I found out about a weekly 5 Rhythms dance class & was invited to a Goddessy pampering gathering next weekend. See? What was I afraid of again? Silly me. I can't wait until the moon swells again!

30 days of happiness: Moving through fear!

Moving to a new place can be simultaneously exciting and scary. For me, Salt Lake City has brought both on in the extreme. I LOVE it here, and I know you are probably sick of hearing that. I also adore being the quintessential homebody Cancerian and sticking to home base. The day seriously flies by and sometimes all I have done is keep up with the babe, garden a bit, tidy a room & make a meal or so. Okay, well... that really is a lot when one is putting so much intention into every act. What I am trying to get at is that I have been here since the beginning of March and I am just now *really* getting out and exploring what this city has to offer. I have let 5 whole full moons pass without making it to the Women's Full Moon Dance gathering that I inquired about. I decide I will go and when the day comes I find an excuse not to go (it's too far, what if I get lost?, I'm too tired, and yes... really... I even go through the whole 'what if they don't like me/I won't fit in thing'. Preposterous. So, my current commitment is to get out and discover something new everyday; even if that means taking my daily walk through a new neighborhood.

On Sunday, I made it to the Unitarian church for the first service of the season. I loved sitting in the simple chapel, the lighting of the chalice and the genuine sense of community I felt while there. I even signed Sebastian up for their Religious Education program (the toy room rocks!), so now I even have some motivation to go every week. It is all rather progressive and the congregation comes from many backgrounds... so this pagan mama is feeling welcomed and inspired to have found a group of people that she just might gel with. Being so earthly inclined means that I will still need to seek out very openly magical groups (especially of women) to blossom and celebrate with. I am very much planning to finally attend that Women's Full Moon Dance this Saturday, so feel free to give me a little inspirational shove in the comments to keep me on track. ;)

My commitment led me today to the local organic produce and specialty market Liberty Heights Fresh.

OH MY GODDESS, I can't believe I didn't find this place sooner. Back in Davis, my husband and I were both members and employees of Davis Food Co-op; a truly beautiful, large, well stocked natural foods market. I was sad to see that SLC is lacking in a market with as much organic produce variety as DFC. I guess I just needed to get out and explore. Liberty Heights is smaller, but they have the variety down!

I was so excited to finally come home with some rainbow radishes, watercress & yellow + purple cauliflower. Joy Joy Joy! Hooray for small, local farm supporting corner stores!

Time and time again I find that facing my fears does nothing but open up a world of options & forces me to

C H A N G E. I am so looking forward to the many discoveries to come.